Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Not feeling myself lately...

For those of you who are around me or talk to me on a daily basis my have noticed that I haven't been myself lately.  I have a lot of things on my mind right now.  I am dealing with sending my son with special needs to school for seven hours out of the day and trusting that they do what is best for him when he is there.  Right now he is also sick and on oxygen and I worry that he is going to stay sick because of going to school.  I am afraid that I am going to have to make the decision down the road to take him out of school for his health.  He was perfect over the summer and we had his secretions under control and he had no sickness.  Then he goes to school and BAM..he is sick again.  I will not put his health in jeopardy and will take him out of school if he continues to get sick, but I don't want to.  The amount of care that he needs every day even when he is well is alot on me, but with him being sick you can magnify that by 100.  I have to watch him all the time and check his 02 sats, temperature for fever, make sure he has enough fluid, breathing treatments every 3 hours, chest and back PT to break up congestion, suction as needed, and changing his diaper when he is hooked up to 4 different machines...etc.  I think you got my point.  Oh, and to make sure that Trevor doesn't bother any of his cords or tubes and pull them or get tangled up in them.  I am looking into getting a nurse for Ryan again.  REALLY SOON!

I am also struggling with Zachary who since school has started, has started to show some behavior problems that we have not seen before.  Zack is usually a happy go lucky boy that usually follows directions like he is supposed to and behaves for the most part.  The last couple of days at school, he has been getting in trouble and coming home with notes from the teacher.  If you are a parent you know that things like this kind of make you feel like a failure or that you haven't done everything you can to "raise" your child the right way.  (If that makes sense?)  I have been making it a point to be more patient with Zack and give him lots of extra time and attention.  (Which is hard when you have 3 kids and one of them is really sick and you have to keep your third eye on b/c of seizures.)  I want my children to grow up and obey the gospel of Christ and be very active in the Lord's Church.  I will do everything in my power to make sure this happens!  I need to do better as a mother...

I have also had several people that are close to me loose their baby due to miscarriage in the last year.  It has been so hard for me.  My heart goes out to all of these people.  I know what it is like to have a miscarriage.  Mine was an early early that I had the nurse at the office tell me that I may not have been pregnant.  Ummm...excuse me!  I know my body and I know that I was pregnant.  I have also had to deal with the loss of the "healthy" child I thought I had when Ryan was born.  Our world came crashing down when he was born and we knew our lives would never be the same again.  I pray every day that the people who have lost their babies will have peace in their hearts and that they will be able to conceive again and have a healthy baby in their arms when the Lord decides it is right for them.

Another thing I am dealing with right now is trying to find a builder that will help us to build a room addition for Ryan so he can have a therapy room.  Ryan can move forward in his progress and learn new things if we had the resources here and a place to put them.  I have sent out several letters to local builders here requesting they fund a room addition for Ryan that also included a photo of him and our contact information.  I am also nervous about our Make A Wish meeting that is September 11th at 3pm.  I am generating a list of therapy supplies that we need for Ryan including Speech, Vision, and Physical therapy supplies.  I want Ryan to have something that will help him for the rest of his life.  (Not a trip to disney that will make me anxious.)

So you see, I have a lot going on and a lot on me right now.  I guess I just thought if I wrote it all down maybe it would make me feel better.  I don't like to "gripe" or "complain" about things, but sometimes I think we need a good "vent" to let out all of our feelings and explain why we are down in the dumps sometimes.  Thanks for listening to me and hopefully things will start to look up.  Hope you have a wonderful day!



  1. Girl, You have a lot on you right now and I think a blog is a great place to be able to vent and express your emotions where you might not otherwise get it all out. I totally understand the funk you are in...if you haven't noticed from my blog, I'm right there with you. I think of you often and will be praying for you to return to your normal, happy self!

    Love, Jenny

  2. Thanks Jenny and I have been praying for you. You actually inspired me to "vent" on my blog where I have been reading yours. So thanks because it made me feel better! =0) Keep your head up! You are doing a great job!

  3. Love you, Sis! You are not a failure! If we have kids, I hope to be half the mom you are. Thinking of you and praying for you. Hope you get in touch with some builders soon. Have you looked into contacting Walmart, Lowes or Home Depot? If not, I'll try to look into it this weekend (while I'm supposed to be doing homework!). <3 ya!


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